“have you written anything lately?”
i have been haunted by the absence of creative thoughts for far too long.
if there is a question that makes me cringe more than the terrifying inquiries about my future as a college drop out, it’s this one. to answer you once and for all, no. i have not been writing. i have not been reading either- just in case that was your next question. the anxiety that has built up within my understimulated, underachieving consciousness as a result of this deafening silence inside my head is crippling. and i am embarrassed.
i am embarrassed because i have become a constant disappointment. i have spit in the face of the person i used to be. i have made a fool of myself; i have made liars of the people who believed that i could be any better than what i am. and the truth is, i can tell myself again and again that things will be different, but my word is shot to hell. even i don’t believe it anymore.
the problem is rather simple really. i can’t make up my mind. i can’t make up my mind about ANYTHING. i haven’t eaten in 48 hours because i couldn’t decide what i wanted. i wandered around in a 7/11. i browsed the deli across the street from my office. but the pressure of making a choice was too much for me to handle. and so i’ve gone hungry. still, that is the least of my problems.
i can’t write because i can’t decide how i feel about anything. i spend hours every day forming sentences and paragraphs in my mind but shrug them off before i am ever motivated enough to put them on paper. my opinions and ideas are as fleeting as my hunger pains.
i don’t trust myself to be interesting or creative or worthy of journal pages or even 12 point fonts on blogs that no one will ever see. and the truth is, sometimes i just don’t care enough to think about it any more than that.
i’ve said this a million times and a million times i’ve been a liar. but i’ll say it again, because i don’t have much at stake anymore. i am going to try again. and while i’m at it, maybe i’ll quit smoking. maybe i’ll clean my room and start waking up early and maybe i’ll save up some money and pay my bills on time next month.
or maybe i’ll just eat some dinner and call it a night.
the suspense is killing me. i hope it’s killing you too.
